The Big 4-0

I've been neglecting my blog this past year, but of course, this milestone event cannot be ignored. :)

I guess this means I've officially hit "middle age" status, but unlike many women out there who view this stage of their lives with trepidation, I welcome it with open arms and a happy heart.

Growing older has never been a major problem for me - well, aside from the aching bones and faltering stamina. Why should it be, when over the past 2 decades, so many of my dreams have come true, and my life has improved immeasurably?

Granted, it wasn't always a bed of roses, but with age comes ( hopefully ) a little bit of wisdom, and with wisdom comes understanding and acceptance. Not all of my dreams have been realized, and a few probably never will be, but others remain possibilities, and those are the ones I fully intend to pursue for as long as I'm able to.

Another yardstick I use for gauging my level of contentment is asking myself whether I'm happier now compared to 10 or 20 years ago. The answer is a resounding yes.

Although there've been betrayals and regrets along the way - people who were cruel, ungrateful and reckless; bad decisions, etc. - and my life took a number of sharp detours as a result, I learned many important lessons, gained valuable insight, stopped trusting so easily, and lost interest in vying for popularity votes.

I've also developed a knack for wreaking vengeance on those who wrong me. If I don't manage to do it myself, divine intervention usually does the honour, for which I am extremely grateful. :)

But enough about the bad stuff - there's so much more worth celebrating! Family, friends, good health, financial security, the opportunity to travel and meet great people everywhere.

My original plan was to return to France this year, after falling in love with the country back in 2010. But a series of events led me to a tour of Greece, and while the trip left me mentally and physically exhausted, it turned out to be one of the most entertaining and memorable experiences I've ever had, which is rather appropriate for my milestone birthday.

Another greatly anticipated journey awaits in October, when I return to the U.S. for a conference, exploring Boston before visiting New York for the 4th time in 7 years. Broadway musicals on my must-watch list include The King And I, Gigi and An American In Paris, and star-studded plays I intend to catch have Al Pacino, Clive Owen, Keira Knightley and Sam Rockwell as headliners.

And let's not forget momentous film events! From Jurassic World and Terminator: Genisys to Mission: Impossible 5 and Star Wars: The Force Awakens. I mean, STAR FREAKING WARS! Turning 40 couldn't get any sweeter than this! :D

Career-wise, I have mixed feelings. 10 years ago, choosing emergency medicine was a no-brainer and I was convinced that it was the best path for me. Now, there're days where my heart sinks before a shift, and I can't move for 2 days after working overnight. My temper is short, and I often wonder why the hell I subject myself to such torture.
The practice of emergency medicine has changed so drastically this past decade, in a good way because many of the implemented measures improve patient care and safety. On the flip side, however, the well-being of the senior ED physicians is being severely compromised. And in case the powers that be are uncomfortable with my views, I'm voicing them in a purely personal capacity so you're off the hook. :)

I've spoken to many medical friends from different specialties, and like me, they all lament the quality of medical students and young doctors these days. We do encounter a few who exceed expectations, but many lack even basic clinical knowledge and skills considered appropriate for their level, or worse, display lack of insight and/or arrogance when reprimanded or counselled ( i.e. the Gen Y syndrome ).
Coupled with the huge patient loads that swamp the ED, the constant overcrowding problem, plus an increasingly elderly and sickly population, holding every junior doctor's hand and worrying about a patient dying on us takes a major toll. My worst nightmare is losing my practising certificate because an underling's oversight drags me into the fiasco just because I happened to be on duty when the incident occurred.

I fully empathize with colleagues who've left for the private sector. I wish I could follow suit, but every time a frail old man or woman grips my hand and weeps, telling me s/he has no money, no family support, and that s/he wishes s/he could die, my anger and frustration with the system dissipates, and the reason I first chose this route becomes clear again.

It takes a person with a very unusual disposition to endure the suffering of a public hospital ED physician in this country. It is quite possibly the most thankless specialty in the medical profession, but we all persevere. We complain a lot, but we stay put. If only the big shots and patients understood this!


So the final question is: what comes next?
Considering the local population's average life span, this could be the halfway mark of my existence. Don't worry, I contemplated my own mortality years ago when my lawyer submitted my first will, and the risk of croaking hits me each time I get into my car, cross the road or board a plane. I'm not the type to think about "my legacy". I'm not an adrenaline junkie chasing the next high. I just do my best to stay healthy, take care of my parents, invest in relationships with good people, use money wisely, and never lose faith in God. Despite all the amazing places I've visited and the celebrities I've met, I never tire of simple pleasures - a delicious bowl of laksa, an excellent book, time spent with my best friend, laughing so hard I shed tears, marveling at the beauty of nature, finding peace in prayer and feeling God's presence beside me.

I am so grateful for everything, and will endeavour to stay grateful in the years to come.

A big thank you to everyone who sent birthday wishes. You made my year. :)
To another 4 awesome decades!